America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition
by KayKrissi
Summary: This is a joint story by KayKrissi and cylobaby. Who will win America's Next Top Model out of our favorite students? Draco? Harry? Ron? Viktor? Neville? Or someone else?
1. Episode One

Episode 1: Meeting the Cast

**Disclaimer: I do not own America's Top Model or Harry Potter.**

**Oh, and this is our first attempt at humor.**

"Welcome, everyone, to the first episode of the first season of America's Next Top Model!" cried the tall brunette girl. "I'm your host, KayKrissi!" She walked up close to Draco Malfoy. "But you can call me Kay," she said with a high pitched giggle.

"Damn fool, I thought the contract said I was surrounded by SEXY women not high pitched gigglers, my gosh!" said the blonde.

She let out another giggle. "Oh, Draco, you're so silly! Well, anyways, for this season, it's different! We're not using Muggles anymore… we're using people from the wizarding world!"

"But, like, I'm not a wizard!" cried a blonde popstar. "Britney Britney is from Dimmsdale! Eh, and where are my Britney Britney back-up dancers?" The host shuffled around nervously. "Can I leave now?"

"Cylo!" whispered KayKrissi. "Send her back quick! I told you that was a bad idea!"

The other hostess, a tall blonde authoress, began examining the two buttons on her table. One read 'Dismissal Teleportation' and the other read 'Pit of Fire/Sharks/Acid/Goyle.' "Hmmm…." she said, waving her hand over both. With sudden vigor, she pressed the latter.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Britney Britney.

As this was going on, Kay continued on with the episode. "We only have an hour to fit all this in, so everybody SHUT UP!" The murmur of wizard voices quickly died away. "Thank you. Well, cylobaby and I are two of the judges along with the famous Dark Lord Voldemort! Yay!"

"What?" cried Harry Potter from the back. "I thought I defeated him!"

Kay giggled again. "We found him in the perfume department of Macy's."

The pale wizard rubbed his long fingers. "They think I've turned to the Light. Ha, but they'll never realize that my secret plan is to-"

"Shut up, Voldie!" said Cylo, bopping over the head with a folder full of paper.

The wizards present gasped in horror. "Yes ma'am," muttered Voldemort.

Cylo smiled triumphantly and the contestants shuffled backwards in fright.

"Well, I've seen this show, and I thought that Tyra ran the show!" said a bushy haired girl who was standing by Harry.

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione. Tyra had to go on a little trip," said KayKrissi.

Cylo snickered. "To my closet!"

Kay rolled her eyes. "You're not supposed to tell anybody that! GOSH!"

"Let's get on with it!" groaned Cylo.

"Well," said Kay, "we don't have a guest judge today, 'cause we're just getting started. Ya'll are going to stay in the same house while we judge your pictures."

"Wait a second!" cried Neville Longbottom, standing up and looking at the blonde Malfoy. "I have to sleep in a house with _him?"_

"What's the matter, Longbottom? Can't stand to be that close to my utter hotness?"

"Yeah," said Kay dreamily. "Hotness…"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" shouted Cylobaby. Immediate silence filled the room. "It's time to meet our contestants," she said, suddenly sweet.

"And they say I'm evil," muttered Voldemort.

"Shut up! I say you can't talk, so don't!"

"Maybe our books should have been based off of defeating her," muttered Harry. "I heard she broke her sister's arm over a sandwich!"

Cylobaby, with her cat-like hearing, whirled on the trio. "She deserved it! I mean, asking _me_ for a sandwich! The very idea…"

"I'm the host, so quiet, Cylo!" shouted Kay. Cylo fell into silence. "Well, our first contestant is… Mr. Harry James Potter! He has no previous modeling experience other than what he did in the Prefect's bathroom during his fourth year."

Everyone turned to look at Harry. He flushed dark red. "How does she know this?"

"And there's Ron," continued Kay, ignoring Harry. "He's stupid."

Ron looked up from the bag of chips he was currently munching on. "Did someone say my name?"

Draco smirked. "Well, they got one thing right."

"And that's Draco Malfoy. He's a hottie, but also, he's a pansy 'cause he couldn't kill Bumblydoor. And he kissed a Pansy once too…"

"Kay! Stop drooling, it's freaking out our reviewers!" said Cylo, rolling her eyes.

Draco was looking quite offended. "When my father gets out of prison, he'll…" he suddenly broke off, seeming to notice Cylo for the first time. "Wow, you're pretty. Want to meet me at the Three Broomsticks some time?"

"Sorry doll, my heart's already taken by Sirius Black," she said with a heavy sigh.

"He's dead!" cried Harry, who was still miffed at their revelations of his time in the bathroom.

"No he's not," said Ron through the chip he was eating. "He's just-"

"Ronald!" said Hermione, hitting him in the gut. "You're not supposed to tell anyone that, especially on LIVE TELEVISION!"

"This is Hermione," said Kay. "She wastes all her time reading. What a loser!"

Cylobaby's hazel eyes had rolled over to Kay with a menacing look. "Excuse me?" she hissed, raising an eyebrow.

"Er, I mean, _she_ wastes her time reading, but you read cool books… and magazines… and stuff." Kay was biting her lip, but Cylo didn't notice. She seemed mollified enough, and returned to doodling on a piece of paper on her desk. "That was close," muttered Kay. "Well, our next contestant is Neville Longbottom! He's a scaredy cat! I guess that's all there is to say about him…"

"No, Neville's nice and kind and… good at Herbology and… uh… and, uh… there are some other good qualities too!" said a short redhead who was sitting next to the aforementioned scaredy cat.

"That's Ginny. She's Ron's sister and Harry's X-GF," said Kay lazily, eyes locked on Draco. "Hey Cylo?" she said to her partner. "Did you know that Draco has blue eyes?" She sighed softly.

"Well, I have red eyes!" said Voldemort with a pout.

"And you're bald," said Kay with an upturned nose. Though the Dark Lord looked as though he was about to respond, one glare from Cylo silenced him.

"Our last contestant is Viktor Krum! Like a cookie crumb, or something!" said Kay.

"Viktor not know why here…" said Viktor with a vacant expression.

"Uh, 'cause I teleported you here? Now you're a model," Kay told him.

"Viktor like model. Viktor hot," said the Seeker.

"Okay, here are some rules. After everyone completes the modeling challenge, someone will be voted off! Get it? Oh, and we can use the camera footage filmed at the house against you."

"What's a camera?" asked Ron.

As Hermione filled him in, Kay said, "The reviewers can take part in our judging too! Just send a review saying who you'd like to get voted off next week and we'll obey!"

"Whoa, these reviewers sound pretty powerful. Maybe they're nicer than Cy-… than a Cyclops," he mended, catching Cylobaby's glare.

"Mmkay, you'll be taken to your new house for tomorrow's episode! But, before we go, we have to say that this is a production by Jarvmen Studios and no characters were harmed during the making of this story."

Voldemort rubbed his head. "Sure they weren't," he muttered.

"My feelings got hurt," said Neville.

"What about Britney Britney?" asked Ginny. "You sent her off to the Fire Pit, or wherever."

"Fine, no Harry Potter characters were harmed!" said Kay.

Cylo rose to her feet. "You want to start something?" she asked with a snarl. Ginny shrunk back in her chair.

"Well, this is KayKrissi and that's Cylobaby and that's Voldemort, and we'll see you all next time of America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition!"

"This isn't America!" said Hermione primly.

"You'd better pretend it is," snarled Cylobaby.

**To help along with the judging of next week episode, sent a review with who should be voted off. -Kay**

**Oh, and in the words of Thumper, "If you can't say nothing nice, you CAN'T SAY NOTHING AT ALL!" Please take his words into consideration. –Cylo**


	2. Episode Two

Episode 2: McDonald's Ad

**Disclaimer: I do not own America's Next Top Model, Harry Potter, or McDonald's.**

"Welcome, everyone, to America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition and I am your host KayKrissi. Over to my left is the second host Cylobaby, and are favorite judge ever, Voldemort. And before starting the next episode, our guest judge for today is the glorious Narcissa Malfoy," said KayKrissi to the camera crew filming the show.

"You got my mother has a judge; first you teleport me here, fall mad in love with me, and then you get my _mother_ to judge the completion. Complete Muggles, if you ask me," drawled Malfoy.

"Well, Mr. Snooty Pants, you had a rough night in the house, so I will make your mother judge you last today, love," said Kay with a large grin, blowing Draco a kiss.

"I would like you to refrain from kissing my son, Muggle," commanded Narcissa while rolling her eyes.

"I hate kisses and anything fluffy," hissed Voldemort, staring into Narcissa's eyes. "We should…hook up sometime: meet me in the graveyard."

"Voldie, do you want me to crush your soul again, like last time," shouted Cylobaby, giving Voldemort the fist.

"Ron, I cannot believe this girl can scare Voldemort, where on earth was our author when needing to create a character?" whispered Harry into the sleepy boy's ear.

"Hermione, kiss me, kiss, kiss, kiss," murmured Ron. Ron was still sleeping considering he had to share a room with Viktor Krum.

"Model, me Krum want model. Krum like model," barked Viktor out of no where.

"Shut your yap, okay, viewers back home, we will have our first challenge and photo shoot today, and then the elimination," smiled Kay looking deeply into Malfoy's blue eyes.

"Miss, oh miss, I would like the rulebook please before the contest begins," asked Hermione waving her hand up and down.

"Kay, want me to use the Fire Pit button?" questioned Cylo, who had got pleasure from getting rid of the smarter cast members.

"No, that's okay, girl. Shut up Ron's crush," Kay roared over the whole room.

"Hey, did I hear my name?" asked Ron looking up from taking a quick nap and spitting on his shirt.

"Let's just say I watched the camera tape of last night's view of the household; Neville you seem to like to hold your teddy bear. T-E-D-I-E!" said Kay with a triumphant smirk.

In the background, Cylo smacked her own forehead in disgrace. "Ginny, get up, this isn't your bedroom," growled Cylo, holding the back of Voldemort's deformed neck. "Eeew… Voldie has a slimy neck, you should stop using lavender lotion and start using …cucumber."

"I don't even own a teddy bear, Bonkers is a _rabbit_," corrected Neville Longbottom.

"Like I care LongButt, anyhow, the challenge is to create the best McDonald's commercial; after all this is AMERICA and AMERICAN's love Mickey Dee's," laughed Kay pulling out seven bags of cheeseburgers and fries.

"Fast food is not happy food," snickered Narcissa who was stroking Malfoy's hair "Good son, good".

"Viktor like McDonald's, what is McDonald?" asked Viktor, blinking his dark eyes in utter confusion.

"Viktor, it is a disgusting American culture to eat large amounts of fat and, may I remind you, Kay and Cylo, this is England!" shouted Hermione who was angry from earlier being shouted at.

"I want to leave this show, why couldn't we be transported to reality cooking show?" questioned Ginny, secretly wondering where her wand was.

"Because, modeling is funnier and, again, I TOLD YOU WE ARE IN AMERICA, do you want Cylobaby to come kill you?" shouted Kay.

"Finishing what Kay was trying to say, you guys will be modeling the famous Ronald McDonald suit while holding a tray of old-fashioned cheese boogers, and, Ginny, I took everyone's wands when you were asleep," Cylo stated.

"Again, that wasn't in the contract," said Harry, narrowing his emerald eyes.

"There was no contract, Fuckotter ," noted Malfoy..

"Don't use nasty words, Draco. Wait until I tell your fucking father," scolded Narcissa pointing her finger at Malfoy.

"Yes mama."

"That's better."

"Let's take a short commercial break and a view from our sponsors," concluded Kay.

Commercial:

"Kids do you like to cook," – Announcer

"Yep," – Kids

"Then watch Cooking in England," – Announcer

"Okay," – Kids

"Friday nights after America's Next Top Model is cancelled," – Announcer

Back To Your Episode:

"Back, this is KayKrissi and this is Cylobaby, welcome back to America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition," giggled Kay.

"Why does it have to be Harry Potter Edition, why not Draco Malfoy Edition," snickered Malfoy dressed in his Ronald McDonald suit.

"Everyone is already suited up and it is time for the shoot to get started, the contestants will get photo IQ and then will return here for our judging elimination round," laughed KayKrissi.

"Okay, I am your camera girl and I want you to say "Yummy Boogers" after I say three, the commercial will be only that, make sure to hold the tray up straight," smiled Cylo behind the camera.

"The first to get started with Neville, go on ….Teddy Bear," sang Kay happily.

"For the last time Crazy, I sleep with stuffed rabbit...RABBIT is different then a teddy bear, geez," corrected Neville walking in front of the camera and holding the tray.

"One..Two..Three,"

"Yum..Yum..Yummy Burgers," Neville said, voice laden with sarcasm. He spoke so low it was hard to hear him under the rubber suit.

"Next, Ginny your next girl, G.I. double a grr," orderd Kay, waiting to get Neville's photo's from the printer.

"That is not the way to spell girl…," Ginny mumbled. She took her place in front of the camera while holding her tray.

"One…Two…Thr-."

"Yum Boogers, from Mickey's Pee," cheered Ginny, who thought she had said the line right.

After having Ron fall asleep in the rubber suit and everyone else going it was only Viktor and Malfoy left.

"One…Two...Four...Three,"

"Viktor Yummy me model boob-er with extra beef," growled Viktor.

"Good job, I guess," Kay praised.

"One…Two...Three,"

"Crap, Yummy Burgers made out of Fuckotter's face," yelled Malfoy.

"Don't say bad words, Dracy," commanded Narcissa for the second time. "Dammit, I broke a nail." She began inspecting her broken nail.

"Sorry, mama."

"Okay thank gosh that was over, okay get out of the judging room and we will take a look at who did the best ad, so bug off," jabbed Kay.

Everyone left the room while the judges decided on who would leave and who would stay.

"Like this guy, he is the American model after all," suggested Cylo pointing to a picture.

"No, she has the best walk I have ever seen…or is that a guy," pointed out Kay.

"I hate all of them...all of the world…all...all," hissed Voldemort, who was punched by Cylobaby.

"I like this blonde boy he is my son, yes, he is my son, right? No… yes," Narcissa murmured, picking up the picture and holding it pleadingly towards the other judges.

Hours went by and it was nerve-wrecking for the other contestants waiting in the lobby. Hermione was biting her nails, Malfoy was cursing, Ron was sleeping, Ginny was hyper, Neville was hugging his rabbit, Viktor was taking up air, and Harry was planning an escape.

"We have made picked who will stay and who will go," commanded Kay into the lobby for the cast to enter the elimination round.

"I will call out a name and the name that is not called as to bag their bags and meet me for a teleportation back home," stated Cylo, showing the cast the Fire Button.

"Harry."

"Harry, Harry, Harry! He is always first...well, of course, his name is in the name of the show," groaned Malfoy, casting a jealous glare at Harry.

"Malfoy," Cylo announced.

"Oh, was I being a nag?" he asked innocently. "I beg my pardon, that was… someone else," Draco said suddenly. He was doing the booty dance.

"Ginny."

"Ron."

"Hermione."

"Will Viktor and Neville please step forward," roared KayKrissi "You guys did the worst job of modeling, and we don't like you guys. The person I do not call will have to fallow Cylo instructions and go home. The name is …say it Cylo."

"Viktor," screamed Cylo. "Go Viktor, it's your b-day."

"You just hate me because of my stuffed rabbit," cried Neville.

"No, I just hate you," smiled Kay with a happily evil smile.

"That does all the time for today, see you next time when we are only down to six contestants. May I add that the more you review the better chance of someone not getting voted off? Love you!" concluded KayKrissi.

_"America's Next Top Model was filmed without a studio audience, Neville was sent home. He also told Cylo that his home was the Fire Pit. He joins Britney Britney and whoever is going to be next to leave…" _

**Please Review. Help me decide who should get voted off next time. **


	3. Episode Three

Episode 3: Wedding Bells

**Disclaimer: I do not own America's Next Top Model or Harry P.**

"Welcome everyone to America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition, today's episode is 'Wedding Bells'." inducted KayKrissi "I am your host KayKrissi, my co-host is Cylobaby, Voldemort is one of the regulars, and our guest judge today is Professor Snape."

_Everyone starts to cough, even Voldie.. _

"Last episode, we had Neville Longbutt get voted off the show by our judges and Narcissa was a judge as well, Malfoy's mommy," laughed Cylo.

"For the last firkin' time, why the heck did you get my mother to be a judge, you insane bitch," shrieked Malfoy.

"Even though I love you Draco dear, you need to let the professionals handle the job," corrected Kay, winking at him several times.

"I can fix that twitch if you want me too, I have the best magical skills in the world because I am Hermione Granger," bragged Hermione.

"I don't need any witches help, and besides Cylo stole your wands," shouted Kay "Anyhow, the show is going to be based off of a Bridal Ad for a magazine called Abnormal Gowns, ya'll will be paired as a groom and a bride; but some might be a groom and a groom."

"If…I still..had my form..I would be a groom, a groom that cleans floors, but I put that past aside me and I became the first to…RULE THE WORLD," hissed Voldemort.

"Shut up Voldie, no one cares that you tried to kill everyone in the wizard world?" said Cylo, snickering and kicking the back of Voldemort's chair.

"Hey, I care! My parents got killed by him, you unrespectful load of …..-" shouted Harry.

"The boy has a point…," hissed Voldie to Cylo, then cringed as she glowered at him.

"Ha I stick finger up Krum nose, Krum pull finger," chuckled Viktor picking his nose with frustration.

"I am leaving for a long bathroom break, and Hufflepuff looses 60 points," shrieked Snape "Next time I want to be on television, I'll say…hmph," he cut off suddenly, becoming aware of Cylobaby's fierce presence at his side.

"I will name out the pairs, you will go into costume and make-up and pose for the camera, okay, here goes," smiled Kay.

"What _did_ you do to Neville anyway?" asked Hermione.

"Let's just say he went to Care Bear Land, a nice WARM place," shouted Cylo "And stop being a smart butt."

"Sorry Kay, but Cylo seems to be the woman for me. Want to meet later at the crib for some one on one, X and X," growled Malfoy, licking his teeth and smirking.

"Excuse me!" yelled Kay and Hermione at the same time.

"No one cares about your needs, Herm-a-Toad, and, Cylo, lay off the man meat, you get Serious and I get Blondie! That was our deal," roared Kay "Ok, let's get on with the pairing," she simpered, suddenly sweet.

"I think it's spelled Sirius, even Ron knows that," corrected Harry rolling his eyes.

"What, did someone say my name again?" asked Ron waking up from drooling on his shirt.

"Malfoy and Kay are our first couple," said Kay with a grin.

"What? You're a judge, that can't happen," screamed Ginny.

"Well, if you like Draco, you can be paired with him," said Cylo while strangling Voldemort.

"I am almost dead, remember? ALMOST still means I am alive," hissed Voldemort.

"Fine, then I will be paired with Malfoy, if it makes you guys happy," said Ginny.

"But Ginny…your my girlfriend…remember back at the house?" cried Harry, completely out of no where.

"Sorry Fuckotter, she is my girl now..I like this show Potter loses girl, I get girl, I get Kay, _and_ I get Cylo; life is good being born beautiful," Malfoy laughed.

(_Harry begins to cry really loud and Voldemort finds out his weakness)._

"Malfoy and Ginny."

"Hermione and Viktor."

"Harry and Ron."

"What, did someone say my name again?" asked Ron who started picking crumbs off of his shirt and eating them.

"You paired me up with Ron, but I am a man, see? Look I have a man hair cut, why does this happen to me," whined Harry pleading to the sky.

"Maybe because you wouldn't let me _kill_ you," hissed Voldemort.

"You're gay anyways, so just get over it, okay Malfoy and Ginny get your dress and suit on for the photo shoot; we will be back after this short commercial break from our sponsors," smiled Kay, who sighed right when the cameras stopped rolling.

Commercial:

"Hey Bobby do you like to read," – Announcer

"Yeah," – Boy

"Then read a book," – Announcer

"I want to read Harry Potter and the Crap Stone," – Boy

"Don't read that one, Harry Potter cried on live television, don't be a pansy!" – Announcer

"Okay, I will go read Fluffy Love in The Clouds of Flying Ponies," – Boy

"That's better, son, don't be a pansy like Harry Potter," – Announcer

America's Next Top Model-

"Great how many people watch this cheap show," sighed Harry disgusted by the commercial.

"Everyone who is anyone who wants to be someone watches this show for someone who wants to be anyone who watches it like everyone," hissed Cylo, who was getting angry with Potter.

"Back to the show, this is America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition, and Ginny and Malfoy will be sporting the regular white and black garment," smiled Kay, who had a long nap during the commercial break.

(_Cylo takes her place behind the camera and the couple poses)._

"Okay, I want you two to kiss and that will be it after I say three and then you two will go into the lobby to wait for judging," shrugged Cylo, who was chewing on a piece of gum.

"What the…first, my girl leaves me and know she kisses _Draco_ in front of me of all people, I quit!" screamed Harry who began to cry again.

"You can't quit, because I am the one who teleports you home; and the show has a new twist if you win you don't go to the WARM place," shouted Kay.

"One, Three."

(_Ginny and Malfoy start to make-out.)_

"Get...a room...get a room," hissed Voldemort.

"Fine, we'll get it on in the lobby; let's go Ginny," chuckled Malfoy grabbing Ginny and carrying her out.

"My life sucks…please, somebody kill me," Harry shouted to the skies.

"With pleasure…" hissed Voldemort.

"You can kill him after the episode…geez Louise," Kay snickered.

"Hermione and Viktor will be sporting the famous neon underwater garment; they got dressed during the commercial about pansy boy," Kay explained.

"Hey did someone say my name?" asked Ron, who jumped at the word pansy.

"One, One ½, Two, Two ½, Two ¾, Three,"

(_Viktor is picking his nose and Hermione is hugging her mermaid tail around him.) _

"Viktor is handsome devil. Krum looks good," Krum laughed while the two went into the lobby.

"And last we have Harry and Ron sporting the new Slytherin collection of tuxes!" said Kay, motioning for them to enter the stage.

"I feel like an evil git," muttered Harry as he entered.

Snape jumped to his feet. "You should be honored to be wearing the Slytherin colors!"

"Yeah, right!" shouted Harry. "Are you completely-"

Cylo pulled Snape back down to the chair beside her. As she murmured threats in his ear, Kay said, "Now pose!"

The boys stood back-to-back, wearing expressions of extreme disgust. Well, at least Harry was; Ron was busy munching on some leftover McDonald's fries.

Once their photos had finished developing and the judges had finally come to an agreement (though Cylo had to threaten several people), the contestants were allowed back into the room.

"Alright, well, I'll call out the names of the people who are still in the running to be America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition! First, we have Ginny!"

Ginny broke off from her fierce snogging of Draco to smile at Kay, then returned with vigor. "Then, we have Harry!"

"Ron!"

Ron looked up in slight surprise. "Huh?"

"Now, our last two contestants need to step forward." Hermione and Viktor took a step forward.

"Honestly, your picture simply frightened me. Look at the way you wear that! Didn't you realize that neon goes horribly with your complexion?"

"You made us wear that!" protested Hermione indignantly.

"Just for that, you lose! Viktor, congrads!" said Cylo. "Come on Hermione, let's send you back to where you belong."

"At least I get to go home now," said Hermione.

"Who said anything about home?" asked Cylo before pressing the Fire Pit Button.

"See you next time on ANTMHPE next time on our Muggle slash wizard channel! Who will win? You'll have to vote to find out, sillies!" said Kay, waving to the camera. Then, the screen went black.

_In the end Hermione was heard screaming but it doesn't mean she was harmed. Scratch that, people were harmed in the making of this show and we will ask you to refrain from calling the police, THANK YOU!_

**Thanks for reading. Please review. And the sooner you review the sooner I post the next chapter.**

**- Cylobaby and KayKrissi**


	4. Episode Four

Episode 4: Buck Naked

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or own America's Next Top Model.**

"Welcome everyone to America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition, today's episode is "Buck Naked"…chuckle" shouted KayKrissi to the lenses of the camera "I am your host KayKrissi, Cylobaby is my talented co-host, and your super-dee-duper guest judge is ….Mr. Very Big and Enormous…_scary_."

"And I'm Cylobaby, Kay is trying to introduce the one and only Hagrid, and we can't forget Voldie," announced Cylo. Hagrid scooted his fuzzy chair farther away from the Dark Lord.

"What, the job pays well…being the Dark Lord is hard work and the profit minimal," whispered Voldemort, glaring at Hagrid. Hagrid gulped and Cylo pinched the back of Voldie's spine.

"Harry, Draco…_yummy_, Krumbley, Ron and Ginny," Kay snorted."Krumbley," she repeated, thrilled with her own joke.

"Me Krum, me Krumbley, Cookies Krumbley, Viktor like cookies," grunted the Seeker.

"Cookies? Where?" asked Ron, waking up. "I thought I ate them all…"

"Shut up, Ron, we all know you're an idiot," Cylo growled.

"Right on," Malfoy said, winking at her.

"Hey, you're supposed to be with me!" shouted Kay, latching onto his arm. He shuddered.

"Just get on with it," spat Voldie.

"Fine with me," Ginny muttered, glaring at Kay. "Just get that boyfriend stealer off of him!"

Harry sniffed, tears gathering in his green eyes. "I thought I was your boyfriend, Ginny."

"Heck no," she said. "Draco's way hotter than you… and he's evil."

"Me and Fuckotter's whore sitting in a tree, S-H-A-G-G-I-N-G," Draco taunted.

"Silence, Draco-pie!" Kay shrieked.

Draco hummed a little under his breath, but the noise died off when Kay smacked him on the head.

"Today's theme is called "_Buck Naked_" and every model sometime during the show must pose scandalously," Hagrid read off of a small pink sheet, scented with perfume.

"I am not going to skive down into my skivvies, you American perverts," whined Harry while still crying over Ginny.

"Well…not meaning to interrupt on your nagging Fuckotter, but I don't mind showing off my…_sexy bod_, for those worthy enough to even watch," snickered Draco, winking at Cylo and Kay snarled. The Dark Lord glared at Malfoy in sheer amazement.

"I wish Hermione didn't get voted off this episode, _sight_" cried Ron blinking "The only lassie left is my sister; I wanted to see some _muggleborn junk_!"

"Gross, pureblood is the only por….what is this show rated again?" asked Malfoy raising his left eyebrow, slick and blonde.

"The show is rated all ages but…the after party is uncensored, meet me backstage, my Evil-Hunk," Kay drawled suggestively.

Draco gulped.

"Anyways, Harry will be posing with a horse, nude," Voldie announced. "Viktor will be wearing a dunce cap, Ron will have a chicken leg, and Ginny will be will be wearing a swimsuit."

"Hey, that's not fair!" cried Draco. "I have to be NAKED!"

"Trust me, I won't be enjoying it either," Voldemort hissed, shuddering.

"But I will!" exclaimed Kay.

Cylo sighed. "I wish I could see Sirius naked…"

"HE"S DEAD!" Harry shouted. "Good Lord, woman, even I've come to terms with that!"

"Uh huh. That's what you want me to think," Cylo replied, eyes narrowed.

"Let's get started!" said Kay, trying to rip off Draco's shirt.

"Actually, it's time for a short commercial break from our sponsors," Cylo proclaimed.

Hagrid looked confused. "What sponsors?"

"Our reviewers!" said Kay.

"What reviewers?" Hagrid asked, still looking confused.

Cylo shut him up. We're not saying how.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Commercial:

"Hello, my name is Tracey from the Prevention of Animal Cruelty. The only forms of animal abuse thus far have been hurting dogs and trapping wild bears, that isn't the worst of it all.

"New reports show that people have been posing naked. With horses. Put a stop to this sort of abuse by calling 123-456-7890. Thank you."

"And if you remember seeing the boy named Danny, please inform the police."

End

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"Welcome back to America's Next Top Model: Harry Potter Edition. We are your hosts KayKrissi and Cylobaby," Kay and Cylo screamed at once.

"Easy on the eardrums, women," muttered Voldemort, hands on the sides of his head.

"You don't even have ears," taunted Kay.

Voldie looked offended. "Uh huh. They're holes in the side of my head."

"Shut up or you'll have one more hole in your head," Cylo growled, advancing on the poor Dark Lord.

"Ron, you're first," Hagrid grunted.

"No," Ron objected.

"Say what?" said Cylo.

"You said I'm posing with a chicken leg. I hate chicken. What type of wizard do you think I am that you think I'll settle for just plain old chicken?"

"You settled for Hermione," Kay reminded him.

"Oh yeah," he said, looking shocked at the revelation.

"Fine, Ginny, you're first," Kay said, pointing at the only remaining girl.

The redhead shrugged and whipped off her robes to reveal a black one-piece.

"I dunno, Kay, I think that's a little too scandalous for the show, don'cha think?" Cylo said, inspecting her. "I mean, you can see her _legs_."

"That's scandal with a capital C," Kay said. "C'mon, Cy, sex sells."

Draco blinked and turned to Harry. "Are they kidding?"

"Cover her up!" Harry exclaimed. "She's a lady!"

"I sell sex," Krum grunted, smiling.

"Vicky, I'd totally go gay for you," Ron said.

Draco let out a scream. "What's wrong with you people? She's in a BATHING SUIT! And Krum is a freak."

"Ron!" Harry exclaimed. "I thought we meant something!"

Ron raised an eyebrow with difficulty (it was a skill a little beyond his abilities). "Get rid of the scar and we can talk."

"What about those hugs?" Harry pleaded.

Ron frowned. "You mean the time I was trying to pick the food off your sweater?" Ron asked.

Harry curled into a ball and sobbed to himself.

"Um, Jerry Springer called. He wants his show back," Kay said, lips pursed.

"C'mon Ginny," Cylo said. "Let's go to the shoot."

The boys watched them walk away. "Draco! Stop looking at Ginny! She's indecent!"

Draco exploded. "She's wearing a bathing suit!" he shouted. "She's not freaking naked!"

Ron covered Krum's ears. "Stop lying Draco. You're messing up the minds of the innocent," he hissed.

Krum giggled.

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After the shoot:

"Elimination round," Cylo called. "One of you will be eliminated from the running to becoming America's next top model. Draco, step forward."

Kay displayed a racy picture of Draco. "You looked hot in this one," she said, giggling. "This is for my wall."

Draco rolled his eyes. "I'd have looked just as hot in a bathing suit," he muttered, rather uncomfortable for one so arrogant before.

"Next person is Krum," Cylo said.

Kay revealed the picture. "You were amazing in that dunce cap. You almost really looked dumb," she said, amazed.

"Uh, what?" Krum asked. "Krum like ice cream cone."

"Next is Ginny Weasley," Cylo said.

Kay sniffed. "You were so brave to go in front of the camera in just that," she said, showing the picture of Ginny in a bathing suit.

"You're insane," Draco muttered.

"Will Ron and Harry please step forward?" Cylo said.

"You two were the bottom two," Kay said. "Ron, you looked like an idiot. Harry, you looked hideous."

Harry let out a sob. "This hurts worse than anything that's ever happened to me!"

Voldie sighed. "…Back to the drawing board…"

"Though we really wanted Harry out because he should never be nude, EVER… We decided not to because, well, his name's in the title. So Ron, you're out."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ron cried.

"Cylo, would you like to do the honors?" Kay said.

Cylo bounded to her button board and her finger hovered over 'Fire Pit.' "Fire, fire!" Cylo bellowed, snapping her fingers before pressing the button.

"Join us next time for America's Next Top Model!" the two hostesses said together over Ron's lingering screams.

_No animals were harmed in the making of this episode. Wizards however…._

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_Just so you know, we do respect Daniel Radcliffe for expanding his career, but the opportunity to mock him was too great to resist. Thank you._


End file.
